Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Religious Beliefs

As MPs vote on whether to go ahead with a Bill that could outlaw religious jokes, Chimpware celebrates comedy's finest at their blasphemous best

Woody Allen
'If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.'

'Not only is there no God but try getting a plumber at the weekend.'

'As the poet said: 'Only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.'

Emo Philips
'I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: 'Stop. Don't do it.'
'Why shouldn't I?' He asked. 'Well, there's so much to live for!' 'Like what?' 'Are you religious?'
He said: 'Yes.' I said: 'Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?' 'Christian.' 'Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?' 'Protestant.' 'Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' 'Baptist.' 'Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?' 'Baptist Church of God.' 'Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?' 'Reformed Baptist Chruch of God.' 'Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?' He said: 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915.'
I said: 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.'

Henny Youngman
'A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says to the man: 'Are you comfortable?' The guy says: 'I make a good living.''

Rosanne Barr
'If I were Her what would really piss me off the worst is they cannot even get my gender right for Christsakes.'

Alan Bennett
'Life, you know, is rather like opening a tin of sardines. We all of us are looking for the key. And I wonder how many of you here tonight have wasted years of your lives looking behind the kitchen dressers of this life for that key. I know I have. Others think they've found the key, don't they? They roll back the lid of the sardine tin of life. They reveal the sardines - the riches of life - therein, and they get them out, and they enjoy them. But, you know, there's always a little bit in the corner you can't get out. I wonder is there a little bit in the corner of your life? I know there is in mine.'

Myron Cohen
'A jewing grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out. She pleads: 'Please God, save my grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.' And a big wave comes and washes the boy back on the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: 'He had a hat.''

Monty Python
from Life of Brian:

'Ex Leper: 'Yes sir, a bloddy miracle sir. God bless you.
Brian: 'Who cured you?'
Ex Leper: 'Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own buisness. All of a sudden, up here he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. No so much as by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody Do-gooder. ''

from The Meaning of Life:

'Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.'

Jerry Seinfeld

'Jerry: 'I wanted to talk to you about Dr Whatly. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish Person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.'

Dave Allen

'So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining that someone's stolen his bicycle. The minister replies, 'Well, I've had things go missing too. What I always do is to give a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and really lay into 'thou shalt not steal.' Usually, the item just appears by Thursday.' The priest agrees, and they go their separate ways.
The next week, the minister meets the priest again, and ask whether he got the bike back. 'Oh, yes! I did just what you said, and when I got to the bit about coveting thy neighbour's wife, I remebered just where I'd left it!'

Father Ted
'Father Jack Hackett: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!
Father Ted: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards?
Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying - They love it, they can't get enough of it!'

Shazia Mirza
'Last year I went to Mecca to repent my sins, and I had to walk around the Black Stone. All the women were dressed in black, you could only see my eyes. And I felt a hand touch my bottom. I ignored it. I thought, 'I'm in Mecca, it must be the hand of God'. But then it happened again. I didn't complain. Clearly, my prayers have been answered.

Bill Maher
'I was raised half Jewing and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say, 'Bless me father, for I have sinned, and do you know my attorney, Mr Cohen?''

Denis Leary
'Guns are so pleniful in this country. Every week there's a nut on a roof with a rifle and a grudge to settle. I used to get worries wheneven Gorvechev visited America. He's got the bulls-eye right on his head. It would be easy to get off in court: 'I'm sorry, your honour, but I thought it was a sign from God.'

Lenny Bruce
'If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.'

Rowan Atckinson (in Blackadder)
'Bad weather is God's way of telling us we should burn more Catholics.'

Ali G
Ali: Jesus. Do he really have a beard
Bishop of Corsham: Not necessarily
Ali: Is he a man or a woman?
Bish: He's neither a man or a woman.
Ali: Wot? You mean he's a lady-man

Bill Hicks
'I think it's interesting how people act on their belief. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but doi you think Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross? Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet. 'I'm not going, Dad. No, they're still waring crosses - they've totally missed the point.'

Monday, June 27, 2005

Revisit - Half Life 2 (PC)

Yes, its back to that time of year where all the games taht are being released are either terrible generic shooters or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire XVIII. So, what better way to spend the time than to load up Steam once again and restart the good ol' single player game in Half Life 2?

Before I begin this revisit, may I make this point clear - Half Life 2 is brilliant. Fantastic. The best game of 2004, and some may believe the best game of all time (bar Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Mario 64 and perhaps Halo). However, be warned. If your visions of how wonderful this game is you wish to keep and contain, do not play this game the second time. The (extremely minor) flaws of this game become all the more apparent and thus, may ruin the feeling of the game. So, for this revisit, I'll open up Half Life 2 and demonstrate its flaws for all to see.

Number one. The storyline. The storyline itself is fine, a wonderful mix with twists and turns in every direction. What Valve could've done, however, is to make it less linear. Yes, this may destory some of the purity, yes, they may screw it up; but if executed perfectly, a branched storyline will have a much greater replay value than a linear one, i.e. Half Life 2. So, second time through, those twists and turns mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph is instantly dispelled and thus all you see is a straight road in front of you and how the game develops.

Number two. The controls. They manage well overall, strafing, twisting, turning, shooting. The control within the environment is managed extremely well (i.e, with the manipulator), and forms a deep association with the storyline. However, where the hell is the leaning function? Even during my first play-through, I kept on asking myself, why can't I lean here? What's happening beyond that wall? With the second play-through, all this became ever more evident. With Valve seeming happy to reinvent every other part of how a game is fundementally made, and improving it, surely they didn't need to stick to the pure WASD form of control? A Q and a E button would not be difficult to add and would surely been a boon for the game.

Number three. The more fundemental mechanics. No, not the game itself, but with the mechanics which run the game. If you don't own a fantastically fast PC (Processor 2000+, 512Mb+ RAM, 128Mb+ Graphics etc.), the loading times can be unnessecerily long, and yes, it's a new game, but surely they should give an option for poor to average PCs? A certain friend of mine complained especially about the long loading times of HL2. Another problem some people had was with the organising software - Steam. Especially people without internet connections! (i.e. many casual gamers)...

Still. A good game. Nuff said.

One out of one

Chimpware Revisits explained

There are three main differences between ChimpWare revists and reviews.

One. ChimpWare revisits usually occur because a ChimpWare member has decided to return to a game/movie/book etc. (from here on referred to as presentation) he or she has completed at least once. Because of this revisits may, or may not refer to the storyline, therefore it is suggested if you have not completed the game, you read the revisit at your own risk. It is very possible several spoilers will be revealed throughout your reading.

Two. The revisit may be very biased towards a specific view or opinion. Unlike reviews, the revisits may not be a balanced opinion, and thus the revisit should only be read not as a decision to whether or not to buy a presentation, but rather to be read as entertainment, as an afterthought.

Three. The universal scoring system for reviews may not be used. ChimpWare revisiters may or may not implement a score at the end of the revisit, but if they do, it does not necceserily have to be out of ten. The scoring system should be out of something which reflects what is said in the revisit. Awards cannot be given.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Hard Times - All change down at the chippy

IBM decides to stop making Apple-flavored chips
posted by Sideath

The majority of computer users couldn't care less what make their central processor unit (CPU) is - whether it's Intel, AMD, IBM or Motorola. Get online, however, and you'll find a huge contigent of people who care passionately about precisely who makes their chip. Not that it really makes much difference. There are in depth discussions on 'pipelines', 'threading', and 'frontside BUS speed'. And every camp for a certain make is sure it's choice is best; to deviate is tantamount to betrayal!

Which is why a huge shockwave reverberated through technogeek chat rooms last week when Steve Jobs, head of Apple Computers (yes, maker of that pretty G5 on your desk, or that stylistic iPod in your pocket), announced that the company would from next year start building its computers from using CPUs from Intel (currently mainly makers of the famous PC Pentium CPU series), not IBM or Motorola, its suppliers since it was originally founded.

The reason Jobs gave was pragmatic. He said IBM's projections for improvement in the performance of its "PowerPC" chips for the next few years simply weren't good as Intel's. And IBM had already fallen behind in its earlier promises - that it would make G5 CPUs running at 3Ghz by last year (they're still not out), and that it could supply enough G5s to meet Apple's demands. It's inability on both counts has cost Apple millions of dollars in lost sales.

IBM just wasn't interested in making quicker, smaller chips for Apple because it could make more money from other clients, such as Microsoft (which is using its PowerPC chip to work in parallel in the forthcoming Xbox 360) and Sony (PlayStation 3). Apple, it seems, was last in the queue.

But the online chatterers might have seen the change coming as Apple ensured thta its OSX OS could run on both PowerPC chips and Intel chips back in mid 2000.

So the chage shouldn't be so hard. Though the devil is in the detail - that is , getting independent developers such as Adobe, and the thousands of others who make the Mac platform useful, to twidde their software so it works on Intel chips. Because these things aren't quite as simple as they look.

But nowhere near impossible. Brent Simmons, whose NetNews Wire program is widely used to read online news, says it took him just two hours to recomplie it to run on both PowerPC and Intel chips.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Lateral Thinking - Uncontrollable

Is a new type of control really expanding on a developer's freedom?
Sideath

Once upon a time, there was a Spectrum System - the first games 'console', with a specialised 'gamepad' - a D-pad and a button. Then there was an Amiga 4X - but thins time with its own keyboard (whooo). In the next 20 to 25 years, over 50 variants of console, and unlimited numbers of PCs and Macs have been designed and released, however, they still orbit around the same two styles set down by these original giants. Yes, they may increase the number of joysticks (which are basically analogue D-pads), increase the number of buttons (including [drum roll here] shoulder buttons), but nothing revolutionary, nothing fantastic. And frankly, by March 10 2005, I was getting bored with WASD and and joysticks.

Then, on the dawn of March 11 2005, I went into Gamestation and bought a Nintendo DS and a copy of Wario Ware: Touched!

The rest is history.

OK, it isn't. Basically, I was so amazed by the touch screen I spend 5 hours straight playing on it, and still it doesn't get boring. Yes, the DS may look shoddy. Yes, the DS may feel plasticky. Yes, the touch screen gets dusty easily. But this new form of control really makes up for it, and then some.

And as for the PSP? Apparently, in America, people are buying PSPs, and then playing them at home. In front of a switched-off TV. With a PS2 underneath it. Now, I'm not one to be playing Devil's Advocate, but surely that's just a waste of $300? There really isn't anything the PSP can do that the PS2 can't. (Or a $300 laptop, for that matter)

Anyway, back to the original topic. Is the new form of control expanding freedom for developers? Ironically, it should do. Nintendo announced at its European press conference that the touch screen was an 'optional extra' - Mr. Miyamoto claimed that 'a developer can, if they wish to, use the touch screen as an extra feature, as with the dual screen, but they don't have to'. However, on the majority of Nintendo magazines which review DS games (NGC, Cube), they have ratings for 'Dual' and 'Touch', thus incedentally, low scorers in these areas could put off potential buyers from buying that game.

In that sense, the DS almost forces developers to use the dual screen and touch screen in there games, therefore even limiting further the number of choices the developes have - yes, there's more space for innovativity, but there is less space for expanding current genres - I can just see the review scores for Castlevania DS - '75%. Would be 95% if it used the touch screen more...' - sad, isn't it?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Twenty Questions - Nintendo 2003 - 2005

Every so often, Chimpware will release Twenty Questions about a specific subject, anything from Custard to Nintendo. Difficulty will range from pretty difficult to so difficult you have to look it up... and still you may not find the answer! I'll be genuinely surprised if someone gets the right answer to all twenty questions. Answers will be released shortly.

And now, twenty questions about Nintendo in the period 2003 - 2005.

1. How did Toru Iwatani (of Nintnedo), Miyamoto-say (Pac Man creator), Harrison (of Capcom) and resident NoA translator decide on who would own the rights to Pac Man Vs at E3 2003?

2. How many DSs were sold, according to trade figures by Nintendo, at the end of the financial year 04/05 (31 March)?

3. What was ommited from the PAL edition of The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords for the Nintendo GameCube which appeared on the NTSC version?

4. Who was the new Nintendo of America's directotor of communications who famously and boldly proclaned that Nintendo of America would be 'kicking ass and taking names' at E3 2004?

5.When (to the nearest quater), was the Game Boy Advance - SP released in Japan, how much was it (in Japanese Yen) and which two games accompanied its launch?

6. What was bundled with the Nintendo GameCube in mid-2003 for free in what MVC called 'a desperate attempt by Nintendo to shift GameCubes'?

7. Which television channel unfairly accused Nintendo of 'causing epilepsy toward their customers without former warning' - which was unture, thus resulting in £3m being paid in damages to Nintendo in April 2004?

8. How many years is it between the release of Super Mario 64 and Super Mario 64 DS?

9. In which European country is Nintendo of Europe's Headquaters located?

10. What is the name of the media adaptor for the Nintendo DS and Game Boy Advance-SP and Game Boy Micro which allows you to play music and movies?

11. Which DS game, created by Masahiro Sakurai, was said (by Sakurai himself), to have taken one designer, one graphic artist and one programmer three days to put together the full, prototype alpha?

12. Which is the (currently) best-selling Game Cube game, ever, in Japan?

13. Which baseball team does Nintendo currently own a large proportion of?

14. On which format is the new Mario Kart (that's not Mario Kart DS) announced for, who is (controvercially) developing it and what is it's name?

15. Which MMO game is Nintendo sueing for violating trademarks in The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker?

16. Name all seven Smiths in Killer7.

17. Nintendo revealed the Nintendo Revolution at this year's E3. As well as playing Revolution Games, GameCube Games and DVDs (via an adaptor), what else is it capable of playing and how?

18. What does XD stand for in Pokemon XD?

19. What did Shiguru Miyamoto ask, backstager a (female) fellow Nintendog fan after the E3 2005 Nintendo Press Conference?

20. Who is producing StarCraft: Ghost? (And no, its not blizzard, that would be too easy)

Review - Nintendogs (DS)

Format: Nintendo DS
Publisher: Nintendo
Producer: In-House
Genre: Simulation
Origin: Japan
Reviewer: Sideath

It's been reported that around 70% of people that read a review will glance at the score first - and around 30% of them will only look at the score - and then close the window/magazine/webpage. So - yes, go ahead, scroll down and look at the score - but then let me explain myself.

If you're reading this review, you probably know what Nintendogs is - it's Nintendo's 'killer app' for the Nintendo DS - proving that you can sell hardware not necceserily with a roar - but with a whimper. You look after up to three 'Nintendogs' - you feed them, bathe them, love them, pick up their poo, etc. This is all good and addictive etc, the animation is excellent, as is the sound and graphics etc, and it does add a specific degree of immersion with the stylus (although I suggest you use your finger) - it's great fun, and there truly is a feeling of happiness the first time your Nintendog responds to your voice [deep breath here].

Yes - so Nintendo have hit the above targets square on. But there are other targets that Nintendo have missed completly. The only 'game' you can have with your dog are three 'competitions' involving frisbees, an assault course and running. These games get boring quickly and easily - although there is a sense of pride the first time your dog completes an assault course without your help. However - this is as deep as the game gets. Your nintendog can't die, and if you leave it for say a week, it won't die, but it'll get grumpy. Five minutes with it later, then it'll be as happy as the first time you played it... definetly not a sign of depth.

There's not really no sign of progression - your Nintendog doesn't age or grow or die, although you only start with one, gaining another one after a while. You can also buy items for the 'house' in your Nintendogs, but you cannot interact with them.

But still, Nintendogs is a genuinely inspiring title. Witty, imaginative, and addictive. Still, it could've been so much better. Perfect for the casual gamer, it shows really what Nintendo are best at - making games only they can make. It's piddle-deep - look beyond the suface, and there's not much left. But still, definetly recommended.

Seven out of ten
Recommended Award

Friday, June 10, 2005

ChimpWare's new, rehashed, Scoring policy

ChimpWare evaluates the best, most interesting, most typed, most innovative or most promising videogames, software, hardware, films, music, technology and literature on a scale of ten, where five naturally represents the middle value. Chimpware aims to provide a rating system which is fair, progressive and balanced. An average presentation deserves an average mark. Not seven out of ten.

Chimpware however suggests that you read the entire review before deciding on a perchase.

Chimpware will give a Recommended award to truly excellent example of a genre, where most will love all of it, while all will love most of it, and where a presentation has recieved seven or higher.

Chimpware will only present a Chimptastic Award to the truly most finest examples of its form, which not only is an excellent example in its own right, buy also expands and revolutionises its genre or form of media. ChimpWare will only give Chimptastic Awards to presentation which scores nine or ten out of ten.

A score of seven, eight, nine or ten will not guarentee an award. However, higher scores obviously increases the chance of an award being given. Either one or the other award is given. Never both.

Other points of reference include Second Opinions (see right bar) by other Chimpware Members, where other reviewers can analyze, agree, disagree, enforce or destroy an argument or review, which obviously provides interesting reading. Another score out of ten is given. Second opinions cannot give awards.

Scores broadly correspond to the following sentiments; with an example of a PC Game included as point of reference:

zero: nothing (Big Brother)
one: disastrous (Championship Manager 5)
two: appalling (Horizons: Empire of Istaria)
three: crippled (Enter the Matrix)
four: dissappointing (Breed)
five: average (Unreal II: The Awakening)
six: competent (Doom III)
seven: distinguished (Prince of Persia: Warrior Within)
eight: excellent (Thief: Deadly Shadows)
nine: astounding (Rome: Total War)
ten: revolutionary (Half Life 2)

If you wish to write for ChimpWare, please contact Sideath or Munki.